Don’t ever try to diss any of these historical figures. You will feel the burn for the rest of your life.

Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart Vs. An Admirer

Thomas Reed Vs. Henry Clay

Winston Churchill Vs. Lady Astor

NY Mayor Ed Koch Vs. Andrew Kirtzman

After the reporter insisted on pressing a point about an inconsistent statement Koch had made.
Groucho Marx Vs. A Contestant on “You Bet Your Life”

Groucho Marx Vs. A Contestant on “You Bet Your Life”
Abraham Lincoln Vs. Stephen Douglas

Abraham Lincoln Vs. Stephen Douglas
Calvin Coolidge Vs. An Opera Singer

Pierre Trudeau Vs. Richard Nixon

Upon hearing that Nixon had called him an asshole.
Upon hearing that Nixon had called him an asshole.

Morris had just been passed over for the Poet Laureateship.
Mohandas Gandhi Vs. Western Civilization

Miriam Hopkins Vs. An Anonymous Singer

John Wilkes Vs. John Montagu

Senator Fritz Hollings Vs. Henry McMastor

When challenged by his Republican opponent during a televised debate to take a drug test.
James McNeill Whistler Vs. Oscar Wilde

After Whistler had made a particularly witty observation.
Bill Clinton Vs. Dan Quayle

After Quayle revealed that he planned to be “a pit bull” in the 1992 campaign against Clinton and Gore.
Niels Bohr Vs. A Reporter

Reverend Edward Everett Hale Vs. The U.S. Senate

When asked if he prayed for the Senators.
Dorothy Parker Vs. New Yorker Editor Harold Ross

Parker had been on her honeymoon, when Harold Ross interrupted her to ask why she was late with a book review.
Edna Ferber Vs. Noel Coward

Coward was remarking upon the fact that Ferber was wearing a tailored suit.
Henry Clay Vs. Massachusetts Senator Daniel Webster

After seeing a pack of mules walk by.
Winston Churchill Vs. A Member Of Parliament

Alcibiades Vs. Pericles

Calvin Coolidge Vs. Some Random Lady At A White House Dinner

Calvin Coolidge Vs. Some Random Lady At A White House Dinner

Calvin Coolidge Vs. Some Random Lady At A White House Dinner
Robert Benchley Vs. A Man In Uniform

Abraham Lincoln Vs. A Foreign Diplomat

After the diplomat found Lincoln polishing his boots in his office.
Muhammad Ali Vs. Joe Frazier

Ilka Chase Vs. An Anonymous Actress

Chief Justice Melville W. Fuller Vs. An Attendee At A Church Conference

After the man ranted against university education and thanked God that he had never been corrupted by going to college.
Winston Churchill Vs. George Bernard Shaw

Winston Churchill Vs. Bessie Braddock

Earnest Hemingway Vs. William Faulkner